Worst mood on NYE ever

Not at all sure *why* I feel so crap-tastic. Is it because I have gained back so much (but not all)the weight I lost? Is it because A has been under the weather lately but - just today-- felt well enough to go to a kink event he only told me about TODAY? Is it because I asked someone else who lives here to do something small (take down the recycling) and he essentially said no? Is it because I'm short on sleep? Strange dreams? Out of sync Christmas? Disordered house? A dry NYE party here tonight? Insecurity? WAAAY too many carbs in my diet recently?

I feel like hiding out in my room and crying. So far, I'm down in the room. In the dark, wanting someone to feel my inner unhappiness and call.

Never been one of those people who hates the holidays. I usually like them. This one feels strange though. Don't *think* it's the sobriety but that's maybe an element. Want to be able to talk to both my sons about real stuff but at least one is shut up tight. The other is hopelessly out of sleep sync. He was playing computer games when I woke up at 8AM, then he went to bed and has slept all day now. I made myself go out for a walk in the park. Helped for a few minutes when I got back, then A and I had discussions about his kink involvement. Again.