Things here are stabilizing some. A is notably down and there have been stressful times with all three of us. (Younger son really gets uncomfortable when A and I argue. I mean, *really* uncomfortable. I never remember getting that freaked out when my parents fought. And it's not like it's ever coming to blows or anything violent or even loud.)
But overall, it's okay.
I have been working very diligently on the apt. It's almost ready for the new tenants who are moving in this weekend. I think I sort of needed to prove something by doing a very good job. Especially with the uncertainty about getting paid work.
Am thinking that I will start back in retail. Ironically, I was very ready to get out of retail back when I was in management after college. (Maybe 5 yrs worth). It never felt like real work somehow. And it doesn't pay well.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Precipice
Turns out A has been harboring resentment for all the travel I did this summer. Other areas of resentment were building as well and this all culminated last Friday into the proclamation that I need to return to the working for a paycheck world. Ian is looking into private school to complete his bachelor's degree (audio engineering and guitar). So additional income will no doubt be helpful.
Now, A told me this by phone which felt rather like a bomb had been dropped on me. I have not held a regular type job since 1987 - aside from the part time fundraising I did for the boys' school a few years ago. Well, and the carpentry I dabbled in and do not want to do again, thankyouverymuch.
To make a sordid story a bit more contained, we ended the night with A proclaiming he wanted a divorce. There was other stuff going on around here and both of us had been drinking -- more than usual. A long night and many tears and phone convos and two baths and sleeping in the guest bed followed. In the morning, he had changed his mind and we found some more solid footing.
He still wants me to get a job. This is back burnered right now because I am readying the downstairs unit for our new tenants who will move in Nov 1. They have a dog so the first thing I've done was repairing both fences. There is stuff to do which will take me the biggest part of this month both inside the unit and outside downstairs and in the garden/ patio.
But what do I want to do for paid work?!
This feels huge. I have been so long out of 'the workplace' that I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I lack confidence or even skills. I know lots of stuff and truly believe I'm capable of holding down a job. But what field? Who'd hire me when there are so many others out looking? And can I make enough money to make it worthwhile?
Yikes!
Now, A told me this by phone which felt rather like a bomb had been dropped on me. I have not held a regular type job since 1987 - aside from the part time fundraising I did for the boys' school a few years ago. Well, and the carpentry I dabbled in and do not want to do again, thankyouverymuch.
To make a sordid story a bit more contained, we ended the night with A proclaiming he wanted a divorce. There was other stuff going on around here and both of us had been drinking -- more than usual. A long night and many tears and phone convos and two baths and sleeping in the guest bed followed. In the morning, he had changed his mind and we found some more solid footing.
He still wants me to get a job. This is back burnered right now because I am readying the downstairs unit for our new tenants who will move in Nov 1. They have a dog so the first thing I've done was repairing both fences. There is stuff to do which will take me the biggest part of this month both inside the unit and outside downstairs and in the garden/ patio.
But what do I want to do for paid work?!
This feels huge. I have been so long out of 'the workplace' that I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I lack confidence or even skills. I know lots of stuff and truly believe I'm capable of holding down a job. But what field? Who'd hire me when there are so many others out looking? And can I make enough money to make it worthwhile?
Yikes!
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