Turns out A has been harboring resentment for all the travel I did this summer. Other areas of resentment were building as well and this all culminated last Friday into the proclamation that I need to return to the working for a paycheck world. Ian is looking into private school to complete his bachelor's degree (audio engineering and guitar). So additional income will no doubt be helpful.
Now, A told me this by phone which felt rather like a bomb had been dropped on me. I have not held a regular type job since 1987 - aside from the part time fundraising I did for the boys' school a few years ago. Well, and the carpentry I dabbled in and do not want to do again, thankyouverymuch.
To make a sordid story a bit more contained, we ended the night with A proclaiming he wanted a divorce. There was other stuff going on around here and both of us had been drinking -- more than usual. A long night and many tears and phone convos and two baths and sleeping in the guest bed followed. In the morning, he had changed his mind and we found some more solid footing.
He still wants me to get a job. This is back burnered right now because I am readying the downstairs unit for our new tenants who will move in Nov 1. They have a dog so the first thing I've done was repairing both fences. There is stuff to do which will take me the biggest part of this month both inside the unit and outside downstairs and in the garden/ patio.
But what do I want to do for paid work?!
This feels huge. I have been so long out of 'the workplace' that I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I lack confidence or even skills. I know lots of stuff and truly believe I'm capable of holding down a job. But what field? Who'd hire me when there are so many others out looking? And can I make enough money to make it worthwhile?
Yikes!
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Wow, that's a LOT for one post! And I'm headed out the door... but I couldn't let this pass without commenting.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like maybe there are several issues here... at the very least, the relationship stuff and the money stuff. And they seem really tangled.
It might be a good idea to try to unsnarl them first, and create separate plans of attack for each.
Thinking of you both, and hoping you gain some solid footing soon to move forward in the direction you deem best for your own souls and futures!
So two further things are on the plate here: 1) A says he needs to stop drinking for a while and 2) he thinks he's depressed and that's why he's been hard on me.
ReplyDeleteThat is one VERY full plate! Shades of Turkeyfest past... hugs to both of you!
ReplyDeleteWell I'm glad he is looking at what might be going on for him as an individual in addition to other stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou made some reference to this on Sunday but I didn't understand the scope of it. Oy. Fuss. This is all really complicated. I have absolutely no advice to offer. Y'all are rather out of my league. I will keep my fingers crossed for you though. Would he consider counseling on his own to help with his depression? I'm such a fan of counseling.
And I still think he doesn't understand how much you do. :-\ I wish that stay at home partners were valued more.
Boy, I forget to look in here for a couple of weeks and everything goes all to hell :-0
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I think stopping drinking is almost always a good idea when emotions are raw. I hope A feels better and both of you find some balance.
As for the jobby-job (tm Zille), would going back to school to learn a skill be an option? Retail can be brutal, especially on aging legs and backs.