I'm still working on adjusting my attitude about Andrew's need for kink play and the whole poly scene.
Last winter, my sister Marina suggested I try giving Andrew the go-ahead to play with people within parameters I'd establish and give him carte blanche. (Part of my problem has been the anticipation of what he's doing and knowing about the set up, etc. ) I tried and it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. But ultimately it still boils down to my feeling hurt that I am not enough for him. Sometimes it feels like he's kicked me in the stomach when I think of him playing with other women. It's not sex, per se. He keeps his clothes on per my rules (And I'm the submissive here?) But the whole kink scene is quintessentially sexual to each of us.
Tomorrow I'm off to visit Marina again.I told him he could make arrangements to play with someone again while I'm out of town. We shall see how it goes.
I still miss getting oral sex, too. And kissing the way I like. Then again, my libido is not in high gear since I reached menopause. We still have sex 2-5 a week, which I think is plenty for a couple who have been together more than 25 years.
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I'm not sure when and how I shifted from "not being enough" for my partner, to "go for it and tell me all about it later!", but it's a more relaxed place for me to be.
ReplyDeleteDo you feel the same way about masturbation (Andrew's, that is)?
I struggle with a lot of the same 'not enough' issues. It's compounded right now by the fact that I have zero libido these days. I don't see any reason why he wouldn't want to leave me for someone who was more fun/sexy. Urgh. I tried really hard to let him go off and play with people but I spent his dates sobbing hysterically and wanting to cut. We decided that wasn't a good idea for our relationship. Luckily you are a lot less neurotic than me.
ReplyDeleteWhy aren't you getting oral sex? And why can't you kiss the way you like? It seems like you are doing a messload of compromising--why isn't he sharing that load?
The "not being enough" thing has never been an issue for me -- my jealousy issue tend to center around competitiveness instead. So, from the POV of someone who doesn't understand this problem too well: Is it important to you to be "enough" for him outside the sexual arena as well? Do you expect to fulfill his needs to talk about computers, or to go geocaching, or to do the other things he enjoys that perhaps you don't enjoy so much? If not, what is it specifically about sex/play that triggers the desire to be "enough"?
ReplyDeleteKatje: As to masturbation, no, that doesn't make me feel not enough.
ReplyDeleteKrissy: Andrew has never been into giving or getting much oral sex. Just not his thing. And I don't enjoy getting if the giver doesn't like giving :-) His mode of kissing is important to him and not my personal style. We had one woman lover who is a dynamite kisser. I still miss that!
As to compromise, I guess he's also compromising. He'd love me to be actively poly and more actively kinky.
Janet: A lot of my self worth seems to be tied to being attractive to my partner (and others, I guess.) Obviously no one fulfills every need as a companion. I have no problems not being his juggling partner, or letting him go off geocaching alone, etc.
I don't have much of my self worth tied up in being another geek to him, but I do in him finding me attractive.
I find it interesting that you really don't 'get' this crucial issue. You must have really good filters in place that let you winnow out the inadequacy messages most of us got growing up female. I suppose I envy that in you, Janet!
Well, for the record, I think you're an incredibly attractive person. I wish you well in banning those nasty little voices. (I'm working on my own set now... you'd think at our age, we'd have our shit together and get a chance to coast a while!)
ReplyDeleteNo, it isn't that. It's just that I don't think being attractive has anything to do with it. I think I could look like Angelina Jolie, think like Rachel Maddow and fuck like Nina Hartley, and there would still be needs that I couldn't fulfill.
ReplyDeleteI just don't think it's possible to be "enough" for anybody, not in any real way -- I can either ask my partners to stifle their desire for other people or I can let them act on them... I can't make those desires go away; nobody could.
I do occasionally get my inadequacy buttons pushed by being in an essentially asexual relationship. In my saner moods, I don't feel as much that way; I think we've fallen into some bad patterns that are partly due to genuine health issues, partly habit, and partly because we're both recently out of highly sexual and very destructive relationships, and haven't figured out how to approach sex without the underpinnings of destructiveness. In my low moods, though, I often manage to convince myself that I'm too fat, too femme (yeah, *me*), too maternal, whatever.
So I do know what those buttons feel like; it's just that they don't get pushed by polyamory.