He's back now; it's ~ awkward. Well, kinda. Mood wise, he's down, but polite. Andrew took Friday off and we went up first thing. This weekend, there have been friends around and meals together and we saw HP7 last night with a friend of his.
This whole thing is making me doubt my parenting choices. I do know I do intend to not ignore behaviors out of any family members which send up issues for me. I do think some of the ways I've contributed to the problems we all have include me ignoring stuff I disagreed with in order to not have confrontations. Well, the best thing I think I can do is find the way to present these types of issues without letting it stew and brew inside. Sensitively yet directly.
Then there's the new drum set. Andrew bought a full set yesterday to replace the set which was stolen last month. That was an electronic set; this is an actual acoustic set. Meaning = loud. I expect to spend a lot of time in my bedroom, hiding out.
Part of me wants to be busy now socially. Have people over, go out. But then there's whole "Is this a trigger?" aspect. It's a trigger for me that Andrew and I aren't drinking any more. We spent many years enjoying wine with nice dinners and that is no longer going to be part of our lives. I miss it. But I can deal. But I certainly do not want to be socially isolated due to sobriety. I want to be invited out, invited over, free to have people over. I can handle others having moderate alcohol. It's not loads of fun watching others have wine while I drink water, but I can deal. We've done it a few times so far. Somethings definitely missing but I enjoy being around other people and do NOT want to let my/ our sobriety keep us isolated. Okay, world?
You're further along the parenting path than I am, but I can say that we only have a certain amount of influence on our kids. They arrive with a set path and they make their decisions... we can guide for a bit, but I really think that after about age 5, there isn't a whole lot we can do besides show up. You can second-guess and blame yourself... but it won't change anything even if you did fuck up (which I doubt very much). You did (and do) the very best you can with the information and resources you had (and have).
ReplyDeleteHope you got to visit with your sisters! And if everyone's having wine, make sure you're not feeling all martyrish with water... have 'em whip up a virgin fruity thing with an umbrella! You still deserve a treat!
I was about to say pretty much exactly the same thing as Katje. I knew from the first time I met Ian, when he loved to swing in his tire swing for hours on end, that he was going to have issues with substances -- anyone who loves that out-of-body feeling *that* much is going to seek it out, regardless of the parenting style s/he receives.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've been able to see, you guys are loving, honest, dedicated parents; you cannot blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in their lives.
Has anybody suggested to Ian that he acknowledge the fact that he enjoys trance/out-of-body states, and that there are other ways to get there besides drugs? Ecstatic dance, Sufi twirling, marathon running, meditation, neotantra, etc., etc.... perhaps something in there might fill up what's missing for him without the drugs?