As feared, there is pretty significant backsliding. Now he no longer believes he's an addict. Saturday was hard and ended pretty badly with him saying he loves us but holds us responsible for derailing his life and his romance. He say he wants to return home long enough to get a job, save money and move away and be done with us, at least for a while
He balked at the parameters we laid down (clean room, wash dishes, clean and sober, no Kat) He says we're treating him like a child. I tried to point out, no this is how adults live.
He has never down well with unstructured time and he has no plans at the moment. Andrew suggested a certificate program in music recording he could do at SFSU starting the fall, but he's not too hot on that.
I went to an Al-Anon meeting today. Cathartic but not especially helpful.
It's Monday today. He's due out Friday morning and we still have no firm exit scenario. We are willing to drive up for a meeting with their staff to help the three of us come to a solution for the time being. Wish he were willing to try to live in an SLE (Sober Living Environment.) There's one walking distance from here and he knows someone who's going in there this week.....
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Eesh. I have no experience with this sort of thing, but I'm thinking of you all and hoping you can find some common ground to move forward.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the rules for the SLE? Can you perhaps adopt them and say you got them from there, instead of looking like you're trying to randomly apply restrictions?
Hmm, good thought Katje. According to Andrew, their rules are harsher. Curfews, meetings and more meetings, chores. Plus the ones we are asking for.
ReplyDeleteThat's quite a challenge to deal with, Paula. And I hope I'm not out of line by saying this, but if he is not committed to his own sobriety - truly committed - there is no amount of guidance or policing that you and Andrew can do that will keep him clean and sober. It may be that this is a path he will have to stumble on before he learns it's better to stand up and walk on his own.
ReplyDeleteOne of the big challenges for close family of an addict is to be supportive without also trying to walk their path for them. Because in the end, really, it has to come from him. Which is one of the most heart-wrenching things for everyone else around him, of course.
My heart goes out to you and Andrew, and I wish you all the best in dealing with this life challenge. {{hugs}}
Oof. This is going to be a rough road. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteTeramis, agreed. Very sad to admit but you are right. We have a meeting up there tomorrow during which we will lay out explicit expectations. We have to be prepared that he could leave our house and be out sofa surfing or...
ReplyDeleteArrgh. I'm so sorry. We're having enough trouble getting Ben out of here (or at least holding up his end while he is here), without having to deal with addiction issues -- that's just incredibly rough. I wish I had good advice, but I don't, except finding professionals that you trust and following their advice. :( :( :(
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