New Year ruminations

There is a woman I know who is working on herself very intensely. She's raising young children and comes from a childhood marked by prominent abuse. It impresses me how much effort she puts in to her life, her self growth, her relationships.

I read her blog postings and often think I have something I'd like to add, but she eschews 'advice' from others, which is impressive, really. Most of us hear advice or insights from our friends. But how much of that is (inevitably) filtered through their personal view?

As to my own life, I feel somewhat stuck in patterns which I want to break through. I spend too much time on this damned computer. It's a compulsion, really. I want to have the discipline to limit my time spent doing this.

I want to be more fit, I want to exercise more because I prefer the way I feel about myself when I am thinner and more fit. I want to eat better, giving up carbs. Andrew seems to do that effortlessly and he loses weight easily when he does.

But there's a war going on in here. I am really having trouble giving up carbs. I know they are the root of why I feel like crap.

We are going to host a Saudi student for a month. He arrives tomorrow. Dan leaves today and I will spend the day getting the guest room ready for the student. When we have students, we feed them dinner. It's pretty unthinkable to serve dinner to guests and not offer them some sort of starch along with the protein and veggies. And we offer them breakfast foods which is generally starch based, too.

And reading my friend's blog serves to stir me to be more mindful about what I am actually doing in my life.

It's all good

Felt much better last night, spent with a few friends, and got more exercise today.

Worst mood on NYE ever

Not at all sure *why* I feel so crap-tastic. Is it because I have gained back so much (but not all)the weight I lost? Is it because A has been under the weather lately but - just today-- felt well enough to go to a kink event he only told me about TODAY? Is it because I asked someone else who lives here to do something small (take down the recycling) and he essentially said no? Is it because I'm short on sleep? Strange dreams? Out of sync Christmas? Disordered house? A dry NYE party here tonight? Insecurity? WAAAY too many carbs in my diet recently?

I feel like hiding out in my room and crying. So far, I'm down in the room. In the dark, wanting someone to feel my inner unhappiness and call.

Never been one of those people who hates the holidays. I usually like them. This one feels strange though. Don't *think* it's the sobriety but that's maybe an element. Want to be able to talk to both my sons about real stuff but at least one is shut up tight. The other is hopelessly out of sleep sync. He was playing computer games when I woke up at 8AM, then he went to bed and has slept all day now. I made myself go out for a walk in the park. Helped for a few minutes when I got back, then A and I had discussions about his kink involvement. Again.

So

He's back now; it's ~ awkward. Well, kinda. Mood wise, he's down, but polite. Andrew took Friday off and we went up first thing. This weekend, there have been friends around and meals together and we saw HP7 last night with a friend of his.

This whole thing is making me doubt my parenting choices. I do know I do intend to not ignore behaviors out of any family members which send up issues for me. I do think some of the ways I've contributed to the problems we all have include me ignoring stuff I disagreed with in order to not have confrontations. Well, the best thing I think I can do is find the way to present these types of issues without letting it stew and brew inside. Sensitively yet directly.

Then there's the new drum set. Andrew bought a full set yesterday to replace the set which was stolen last month. That was an electronic set; this is an actual acoustic set. Meaning = loud. I expect to spend a lot of time in my bedroom, hiding out.

Part of me wants to be busy now socially. Have people over, go out. But then there's whole "Is this a trigger?" aspect. It's a trigger for me that Andrew and I aren't drinking any more. We spent many years enjoying wine with nice dinners and that is no longer going to be part of our lives. I miss it. But I can deal. But I certainly do not want to be socially isolated due to sobriety. I want to be invited out, invited over, free to have people over. I can handle others having moderate alcohol. It's not loads of fun watching others have wine while I drink water, but I can deal. We've done it a few times so far. Somethings definitely missing but I enjoy being around other people and do NOT want to let my/ our sobriety keep us isolated. Okay, world?

Tomorrow

Things settled out some. He called with a better attitude the other night. We had a group meeting with counselors up there to discuss our rules and expectations and his. It took some doing but we are on the same page now.

I wish in my heart of hearts that I believed he wants to remain sober, but I keep hearing the wiggle room in what he says and what he commits to. It remains to be seen how committed he is to his sobriety. Doesn't help that I started reading "We All Fall Down" last night, Nic Sheff's second memoir of his addiction problems.

In the mean time, we pick him up tomorrow and he's moving back here until he gets enough money to move out on his own. He also wants to go to school while working.
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Two of my three sisters will be together next week, possibly all three. I really want to join them and it's possible I will. We all live in separate states and when two get together some mysterious magnet pulls us to join in. Andrew calls this McShane girl critical mass.

I'll drive up if things seem to be smooth around here when Ian's back.

Shoud get off now and focus on getting stuff done around here.

Yarghh!

As feared, there is pretty significant backsliding. Now he no longer believes he's an addict. Saturday was hard and ended pretty badly with him saying he loves us but holds us responsible for derailing his life and his romance. He say he wants to return home long enough to get a job, save money and move away and be done with us, at least for a while

He balked at the parameters we laid down (clean room, wash dishes, clean and sober, no Kat) He says we're treating him like a child. I tried to point out, no this is how adults live.

He has never down well with unstructured time and he has no plans at the moment. Andrew suggested a certificate program in music recording he could do at SFSU starting the fall, but he's not too hot on that.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today. Cathartic but not especially helpful.
It's Monday today. He's due out Friday morning and we still have no firm exit scenario. We are willing to drive up for a meeting with their staff to help the three of us come to a solution for the time being. Wish he were willing to try to live in an SLE (Sober Living Environment.) There's one walking distance from here and he knows someone who's going in there this week.....

Not Yet Dead

(Monty Python/ Spamalot quote)

Just reread my last posting and realized there is oh so much more drama now. I think everyone who follows this sporadic blog also saw my FB comments about Ian in rehab. If you want more details, I can email them to you in encapsulated letter form.

Let's assume then that you now know Ian completed one semester at Musicians Institute in Hollywood. He was living with a girl he met immediately before going down there. It was a highly codependent drug fueled relationship. Now he's back in NorCal in a 28 day program up in Santa Rosa. Last week he expressed gratitude to us for placing him there and getting him clean/ sober.

But now there is back sliding and I am worried.He says he wants to return home, get a job, (staying clean and sober while at home) and then get enough money to get his own place and then smoke weed again. This is against everything he is hearing from every professional in the addiction field. He still maintains that he's not an addict by some definitions.

I am naturally more pessimistic than Andrew. Wish it were otherwise, but it is what it is. I fear that he's going to get hooked up again the very bad drugs he was using.

In the mean time, Andrew has decided to give up booze. Some friends are asking me to question why I am going on the wagon. My reasons: 1) I have a tendency to overdo the drinking myself 2) it would be hard on Andrew if I still drank 3) keeping a clean and sober living environment for Ian when he's back here.

Last night I dreamed that I inadvertently drank champagne at a party --out of a Styrofoam glass to boot! It was amusing really. But I felt so bad that I had broken the agreement to remain sober.

Andrew has promised Ian to go to AA meetings together. In fact Andrew and I have gone to two so far up at the program in Santa Rosa. Andrew found one at the local kink place and he's attending tonight after work. Maybe he's hoping to find some potential play partner there...

Family situation

This time, it's Ian's turn to act irresponsibly. After getting all his app paperwork in for that music school, he bought a one-way ticket to Jersey without telling us, without a coat or boots, no phone charger. He won't say what this was about, but I suspect he wanted to show up on the doorstep of the girl he loves who was always going back to NY to return to school. She also got back together with her old girlfriend when she returned. Ian was staying with a guy he met through our neighbors who lives in NJ. He sounded pretty miserable when we finally got through to him, but a bit better yesterday. We bought him a return flight for today.....It's even more complicated than this, but I don't want to go into everything here....

Some good news: the school - Musicians Institute (without an apostrophe - yikes! - are they illiterate?) sounded quite impressed with his application. The next step is them FedExing him an at home test and audition instructions. But once received, he needs to return post it to them within one week. So I asked MI to hold off sending that until we call them.

Weekday Update

Things here are stabilizing some. A is notably down and there have been stressful times with all three of us. (Younger son really gets uncomfortable when A and I argue. I mean, *really* uncomfortable. I never remember getting that freaked out when my parents fought. And it's not like it's ever coming to blows or anything violent or even loud.)
But overall, it's okay.

I have been working very diligently on the apt. It's almost ready for the new tenants who are moving in this weekend. I think I sort of needed to prove something by doing a very good job. Especially with the uncertainty about getting paid work.

Am thinking that I will start back in retail. Ironically, I was very ready to get out of retail back when I was in management after college. (Maybe 5 yrs worth). It never felt like real work somehow. And it doesn't pay well.

Precipice

Turns out A has been harboring resentment for all the travel I did this summer. Other areas of resentment were building as well and this all culminated last Friday into the proclamation that I need to return to the working for a paycheck world. Ian is looking into private school to complete his bachelor's degree (audio engineering and guitar). So additional income will no doubt be helpful.

Now, A told me this by phone which felt rather like a bomb had been dropped on me. I have not held a regular type job since 1987 - aside from the part time fundraising I did for the boys' school a few years ago. Well, and the carpentry I dabbled in and do not want to do again, thankyouverymuch.

To make a sordid story a bit more contained, we ended the night with A proclaiming he wanted a divorce. There was other stuff going on around here and both of us had been drinking -- more than usual. A long night and many tears and phone convos and two baths and sleeping in the guest bed followed. In the morning, he had changed his mind and we found some more solid footing.

He still wants me to get a job. This is back burnered right now because I am readying the downstairs unit for our new tenants who will move in Nov 1. They have a dog so the first thing I've done was repairing both fences. There is stuff to do which will take me the biggest part of this month both inside the unit and outside downstairs and in the garden/ patio.

But what do I want to do for paid work?!

This feels huge. I have been so long out of 'the workplace' that I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I lack confidence or even skills. I know lots of stuff and truly believe I'm capable of holding down a job. But what field? Who'd hire me when there are so many others out looking? And can I make enough money to make it worthwhile?

Yikes!

Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-changes!

After more than five years living in our street level flat, K is moving down the street. She found a small house to rent and will share it with a long term friend of hers. There is little doubt that she is fed up with being surrounded by our energy, noise, etc. We believe we are thoughtful neighbors, rarely having late nights, loud noises, etc. But this house was not built like an apartment building and every day noises travel downwards. My washing machine drives her crazy, for instance. Apparently she had mentioned before that we seem to slam our back door and it rattles her dishes. (The door used to be hard to close and we all tend to be firm with it to be sure; otherwise it blows open.) Et cetera, etc, etc.

All kinds of issues come up with this, not the least of which is younger son's small business ventures which entail visitors arriving for short visits and test drives down on the lower deck. And the music he produces and or listens to many hours daily. He's actually very respectful of time limits and noise issues. But there are random people coming and going around here often. K is amazingly good about all of this and she gets along beautifully with both our sons.

But -

It will not be easy to find a simpatico new tenant. Andrew has shown the unit (still inhabited) to someone he works with and her husband. I don't think they were that interested. Personally, I feel it's too small for most couples. Ostensibly it could be billed as two bedrooms if the big room functioned as living room/ dining/ kitchen.

An ideal tenant would be one person with a job which occupies much of their time. Even better would be someone who listens to their own music or TV and isn't noise sensitive to ours. Again, I think we are relatively quiet but the house actually shakes when people come down the stairs, we use our washer and dryer fairly often (at decent times), we do entertain some.

Andrew's style as landlord is decidedly different from mine (and K's). He values being strictly business, I value being friends with my neighbors. K had problems with this and essentially stopped interacting with him a while ago. She and I get along fine and I actually think her moving down the street will improve our friendship some. She's a child psychologist which has been very useful around here with the changing family dynamics.

She moved in just as we were moving to the Bahamas. Older son was expected to be finishing high school with an adult living here. That did not go as planned. I ended up backing and forthing and eventually younger son also came back. Then Andrew returned. Then we remodeled the basement to regain a bedroom. Now the street level unit is completely surrounded by our family. She no longer feels comfortable using the hot tub or lower deck because our bedroom is right there. I have tried to assure her that's not an issue with us, because it truly isn't.

In many ways, the unit is more like an in-law than the legal separate flat that it is.

This is gonna be a sticky wicket. Ironically, Andrew doesn't seem at all fazed.

Money Woes

Not us per se. Dan. This last year he has shared a three bedroom apt with a slew of other students. Officially it was six ppl but my guess is on any given night there were 8 or 9 people. Dan is the oldest, found the place and took care to get the rent in, pay utilities, etc. The other kids were flaky for the most part. He is not comfortable as a disciplinarian or 'heavy'. In fact, one of the guys borrowed over $1000 from him pretty early on and left before the lease was up shorting out two months of rent plus what he already owed Dan. Another guy is a few months in arrears although it is supposedly coming next week when the student loans come in.

Dan has learned his lesson in that he now seems to get it that you don't loan money you can't easily kiss goodbye. "Neither borrower nor lender be", the motto at Bob's Bank (thanks, Garrison.)

Plus in general Dan is not a good money manager. Last time he was here Andrew took time to make him learn Quicken. So now he can keep better records. But Andrew and I are paying for everything and it's an expensive place. There is basically no way Dan could hold down a job and go to this school full time. Last week alone he spent over 50 hrs of active studio time and that is just for one class (out of two).

And then he totaled his car. We aren't replacing it. That's going to make things tougher for him but cheaper for all of us. He and his friend have found a cheaper one bdrm apt closer to the two campuses. Dan has a bike and his friend has a car and Dan can pitch in for gas when they do stuff together. (Brooks tells students they need a car because they are lugging big equipment around all over for assignments.)

I end up as intermediary between father and son. Son hates asking for money and father doesn't get that son can't live within a budget. When Andrew was a student, apparently he tracked every penny he spent! I feel that I wasn't very good at teaching responsible money handling to either kid, although Ian seems to manage okay. (Mind you, he's held down a job for over two years. He is quitting now because his school work load will get heavy in a few weeks.)

Libido

So. I brought it up that my libido is not what it used to be. Andrew took it kind of personally that somehow that means I find him less appealing. That is not the case and I tried to make that clear. What I said was we have a steady sex life (2-5 x a week) and that's enough for me. He finds this a sorry thing; I don't.

He brought up HRT. I said I have no need for it and do not feel compelled.

Thoughts from you, ladies?

Status report

Andrew is bummed. His favorite play partner's partner has put an end to any more play. His partner J is a woman who is married to another woman, S. According to Andrew, S is negative on male doms. I know J also recently had to stop seeing another male dom.

Adding to his woes, his job has undergone a switch and he's less than tickled with the work he's doing now.

I have been doing a lot of gardening and related work. In the last two weeks I have filled more than 25 of those tall yard waste bags! Lots of it was oxalis which will be a bit slowed down from its haircut but next year will be back like gangbusters.

I have to rebuild the stairs from the deck to the garden and that is instigating some related concrete work. I want to create a patio down in the middle section. I cleared it out a lot and as it's one of the flattest areas we have, putting in a patio there shouldn't be too hard. The worst will be schlepping all the materials down there. Will have to hire help.

Had a nice party with Ian's friends last night. There are several musicians among them and we enjoyed live music, some of which was original.

Tomorrow, another scene based person arrives for a 5 day visit. T is one person Andrew hasn't had the opportunity to play with although she's very high on his list! But now she's got a new boyfriend who we will meet tomorrow. They live in MN.

Having a party for our juggler friends on Saturday.

Between Storms

The title hints of personal Sturm und Drang but I actually am referring to the recent weather, mostly. Sisters visit was very nice. A bit rushed because Pat and her boyfriend got in on Saturday and Andrea and Rennie had to leave Sunday. We managed a low key dinner Saturday night with four guests.

Pat's new boyfriend tries very hard to impress with all the things he's done, places he's been and people he knows. He tripped up on himself with some facts which didn't check out. But by the end of the four day visit I was starting to like him. He has spent chunks of his life as a professional hunting and fishing tour operator. My nephew's take on his stories: He's a fisherman. Things get exaggerated! I am trying to be less judgmental and kinder. On the *other* other hand, I suspect he's a Republican and he said something pretty homophobic. I took that as the opportunity to inform him I'm bisexual....

Andrew is going on a play date Friday. I want to make sure I am doing something to distract me. Kabuki, anyone?
Oh, and we are going to host a reunion of the old jugglers on Feb 27th.

Something is finally happening to the condos in the Bahamas. The guy who's buying the unit under us got the locks changed. Hoping the outgoing couple leave without much more damage or drama.

Stuff

Tonight is one of the nights in which Andrew is doing poly type stuff. He's going to a group photo shoot at a studio. I didn't ask for details but the last one he went to was last year around this time and my guess it's the same. A "scene" which is to be rehearsed tonight before people who have paid to photograph. And later on they will do the 'scene' again in front of paying customers. Last year I went along with him. It was on Valentine's night and I thought the whole thing was very strange and very much not my cup of tea.

I don't know whether to call what he's doing tonight poly. Certainly it is bdsm stuff with other women involved. He won't be directing the action, just being a voyeur. What do you think, poly?

Oh, and when I told him I had started a blog to which he is not invited he was fairly bent out of shape. He's convinced I will paint him in a bad light. That's not my intention at all and I don't think I have. There is nothing here I wouldn't or haven't said before him. It's not my intention to be devisiive, but I do feel better that I have a personal ground for saying stuff.

I'm still somewhat under the weather. I'm about 80% back to normal. Tomorrow Marina and Andrea arrive. M will be here for ten days. Pat and her boyfriend come on Friday and we'll have a gathering here Saturday night. Andrea's husband also comes Friday and those two leave next Sunday.

Whadda I wanna be now that I'm a grown up?

Have a cold settling in in my chest and head. Not fun but could be worse. Hey, I could be Haiti!

Feeling somewhat at loose ends. I realize one of my failings is being commitment phobic. I do have things which intrigue or interest me which I want to pursue. But I never seem to get around to doing them. Hmmm. Is it my increasing computer addiction? My stay-at-home instinct? Just plain laziness?

For instance, I want to learn either glass blowing or do metal work. Now, both of these areas involve working with smelly hot stuff which is a turn off.

Or volunteering in classrooms for kids struggling with reading. I'd really like to help with adult literacy but couldn't find any programs around here.

I used to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. Liked it, but the full 8 hr day is daunting. And they tend to give non-skilled work only to the volunteers.

Sometime I think I should go back to school and get a teaching certificate. But that seems very daunting. Also, I think Andrew would be resentful of how much that would take out of me and therefore our life as we know it.

Maybe I just need a big kick in the butt.

Aftermath and Anticipation

Trip is over and I'm very glad. On Wednesday, Marina and I were driving to Portland to visit Juliette, my niece. She's doing 20 yrs in prison for a violent robbery she did as a meth user. That's another story for another post some time.

On the drive, my car acted weird after hydroplaning. Triple A towed us back to Eugene. I highly recommend the premium road service - that tow would have been near $600 without it! Turned out the computer needed to be replaced. I was just under the 80,000 miles/ 8 yr warranty at 79, 780 miles. Yay!

So I was able to drive home yesterday. Got a ride into Eugene at 7AM with my brother in law. Picked up my car, drove back out to the country to their house and shuffled out. About an hour into the trip, my sister called to say I had left my suitcase at her house. I had a bunch of other stuff which I had loaded up, but spaced out on my clothes! Well, luckily, she's coming here Feb 1 and I can pay her to bring it down. But that's gonna be a hassle for her with her arm.

Then, near Redding, I saw a slew of cars pulled to the side by CHP. Soon I was one of them. There had been an air targeting radar and I was clocked at doing 79 in a 65 zone. Naughty me....Cop was very nice, I was nice, too. He wrote it up as 10 over. As Andrew said, cheaper than a new transmission which I what I thought I was facing with the car.

Andrew and I went out for dinner in the hood. Sat at the bar with another local couple and had lots of laughs. Came home to Ian jamming with four other guys in our dining room.
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Before leaving, I suggested to Andrew that he'd be free to schedule play while I was out of town. He couldn't make that happen on such short notice but has begun negotiating play with two women, one in Feb, one in March. And he's going to another photo shoot next week.

I am trying not to over react here. The reason I had suggested it for when I'm gone is that I hate the anticipation and am often miserable when he's actually out with someone else. That's so much easier if I'm out of town. And now I have two dates to anticipate and I'll likely be here during both 'dates'. Suckage.

Help me out here, ladies...Am I out of whack?

Up in Eugene. Uneventful but long drive yesterday. It's cold, foggy and damp. Marina's garden is in hibernation mode. I sort of forget about that since much of my SF garden in a year round thing. Paul and Marina have three cats so I have to be on cat allergy pills. Want to get back before Dan's arrival on Friday night. Party Saturday will be low key, I'm thinking.

M and I watched a video of the type of arthroscopic rotator cuff surgery she just had. Yikes!

I'd love it if I could get Andrew or even Kym to join me in our garden. I've discovered I enjoy tasks so much more if I have company. The other person doesn't actually have to do anything. Their mere presence suffices.
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Artists I want to add to my iTunes:
Chicago
Joan Baez
Cat Stevens
Judy Collins
David Grey


I feel torn about downloading music and movies, tv. I guess if I stick to stuff I had originally bought( in vinyl or even cassettes, VHS) I can justify it.

Kink status check-in.

I'm still working on adjusting my attitude about Andrew's need for kink play and the whole poly scene.

Last winter, my sister Marina suggested I try giving Andrew the go-ahead to play with people within parameters I'd establish and give him carte blanche. (Part of my problem has been the anticipation of what he's doing and knowing about the set up, etc. ) I tried and it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. But ultimately it still boils down to my feeling hurt that I am not enough for him. Sometimes it feels like he's kicked me in the stomach when I think of him playing with other women. It's not sex, per se. He keeps his clothes on per my rules (And I'm the submissive here?) But the whole kink scene is quintessentially sexual to each of us.

Tomorrow I'm off to visit Marina again.I told him he could make arrangements to play with someone again while I'm out of town. We shall see how it goes.

I still miss getting oral sex, too. And kissing the way I like. Then again, my libido is not in high gear since I reached menopause. We still have sex 2-5 a week, which I think is plenty for a couple who have been together more than 25 years.