So

He's back now; it's ~ awkward. Well, kinda. Mood wise, he's down, but polite. Andrew took Friday off and we went up first thing. This weekend, there have been friends around and meals together and we saw HP7 last night with a friend of his.

This whole thing is making me doubt my parenting choices. I do know I do intend to not ignore behaviors out of any family members which send up issues for me. I do think some of the ways I've contributed to the problems we all have include me ignoring stuff I disagreed with in order to not have confrontations. Well, the best thing I think I can do is find the way to present these types of issues without letting it stew and brew inside. Sensitively yet directly.

Then there's the new drum set. Andrew bought a full set yesterday to replace the set which was stolen last month. That was an electronic set; this is an actual acoustic set. Meaning = loud. I expect to spend a lot of time in my bedroom, hiding out.

Part of me wants to be busy now socially. Have people over, go out. But then there's whole "Is this a trigger?" aspect. It's a trigger for me that Andrew and I aren't drinking any more. We spent many years enjoying wine with nice dinners and that is no longer going to be part of our lives. I miss it. But I can deal. But I certainly do not want to be socially isolated due to sobriety. I want to be invited out, invited over, free to have people over. I can handle others having moderate alcohol. It's not loads of fun watching others have wine while I drink water, but I can deal. We've done it a few times so far. Somethings definitely missing but I enjoy being around other people and do NOT want to let my/ our sobriety keep us isolated. Okay, world?

Tomorrow

Things settled out some. He called with a better attitude the other night. We had a group meeting with counselors up there to discuss our rules and expectations and his. It took some doing but we are on the same page now.

I wish in my heart of hearts that I believed he wants to remain sober, but I keep hearing the wiggle room in what he says and what he commits to. It remains to be seen how committed he is to his sobriety. Doesn't help that I started reading "We All Fall Down" last night, Nic Sheff's second memoir of his addiction problems.

In the mean time, we pick him up tomorrow and he's moving back here until he gets enough money to move out on his own. He also wants to go to school while working.
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Two of my three sisters will be together next week, possibly all three. I really want to join them and it's possible I will. We all live in separate states and when two get together some mysterious magnet pulls us to join in. Andrew calls this McShane girl critical mass.

I'll drive up if things seem to be smooth around here when Ian's back.

Shoud get off now and focus on getting stuff done around here.

Yarghh!

As feared, there is pretty significant backsliding. Now he no longer believes he's an addict. Saturday was hard and ended pretty badly with him saying he loves us but holds us responsible for derailing his life and his romance. He say he wants to return home long enough to get a job, save money and move away and be done with us, at least for a while

He balked at the parameters we laid down (clean room, wash dishes, clean and sober, no Kat) He says we're treating him like a child. I tried to point out, no this is how adults live.

He has never down well with unstructured time and he has no plans at the moment. Andrew suggested a certificate program in music recording he could do at SFSU starting the fall, but he's not too hot on that.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today. Cathartic but not especially helpful.
It's Monday today. He's due out Friday morning and we still have no firm exit scenario. We are willing to drive up for a meeting with their staff to help the three of us come to a solution for the time being. Wish he were willing to try to live in an SLE (Sober Living Environment.) There's one walking distance from here and he knows someone who's going in there this week.....

Not Yet Dead

(Monty Python/ Spamalot quote)

Just reread my last posting and realized there is oh so much more drama now. I think everyone who follows this sporadic blog also saw my FB comments about Ian in rehab. If you want more details, I can email them to you in encapsulated letter form.

Let's assume then that you now know Ian completed one semester at Musicians Institute in Hollywood. He was living with a girl he met immediately before going down there. It was a highly codependent drug fueled relationship. Now he's back in NorCal in a 28 day program up in Santa Rosa. Last week he expressed gratitude to us for placing him there and getting him clean/ sober.

But now there is back sliding and I am worried.He says he wants to return home, get a job, (staying clean and sober while at home) and then get enough money to get his own place and then smoke weed again. This is against everything he is hearing from every professional in the addiction field. He still maintains that he's not an addict by some definitions.

I am naturally more pessimistic than Andrew. Wish it were otherwise, but it is what it is. I fear that he's going to get hooked up again the very bad drugs he was using.

In the mean time, Andrew has decided to give up booze. Some friends are asking me to question why I am going on the wagon. My reasons: 1) I have a tendency to overdo the drinking myself 2) it would be hard on Andrew if I still drank 3) keeping a clean and sober living environment for Ian when he's back here.

Last night I dreamed that I inadvertently drank champagne at a party --out of a Styrofoam glass to boot! It was amusing really. But I felt so bad that I had broken the agreement to remain sober.

Andrew has promised Ian to go to AA meetings together. In fact Andrew and I have gone to two so far up at the program in Santa Rosa. Andrew found one at the local kink place and he's attending tonight after work. Maybe he's hoping to find some potential play partner there...

Family situation

This time, it's Ian's turn to act irresponsibly. After getting all his app paperwork in for that music school, he bought a one-way ticket to Jersey without telling us, without a coat or boots, no phone charger. He won't say what this was about, but I suspect he wanted to show up on the doorstep of the girl he loves who was always going back to NY to return to school. She also got back together with her old girlfriend when she returned. Ian was staying with a guy he met through our neighbors who lives in NJ. He sounded pretty miserable when we finally got through to him, but a bit better yesterday. We bought him a return flight for today.....It's even more complicated than this, but I don't want to go into everything here....

Some good news: the school - Musicians Institute (without an apostrophe - yikes! - are they illiterate?) sounded quite impressed with his application. The next step is them FedExing him an at home test and audition instructions. But once received, he needs to return post it to them within one week. So I asked MI to hold off sending that until we call them.

Weekday Update

Things here are stabilizing some. A is notably down and there have been stressful times with all three of us. (Younger son really gets uncomfortable when A and I argue. I mean, *really* uncomfortable. I never remember getting that freaked out when my parents fought. And it's not like it's ever coming to blows or anything violent or even loud.)
But overall, it's okay.

I have been working very diligently on the apt. It's almost ready for the new tenants who are moving in this weekend. I think I sort of needed to prove something by doing a very good job. Especially with the uncertainty about getting paid work.

Am thinking that I will start back in retail. Ironically, I was very ready to get out of retail back when I was in management after college. (Maybe 5 yrs worth). It never felt like real work somehow. And it doesn't pay well.

Precipice

Turns out A has been harboring resentment for all the travel I did this summer. Other areas of resentment were building as well and this all culminated last Friday into the proclamation that I need to return to the working for a paycheck world. Ian is looking into private school to complete his bachelor's degree (audio engineering and guitar). So additional income will no doubt be helpful.

Now, A told me this by phone which felt rather like a bomb had been dropped on me. I have not held a regular type job since 1987 - aside from the part time fundraising I did for the boys' school a few years ago. Well, and the carpentry I dabbled in and do not want to do again, thankyouverymuch.

To make a sordid story a bit more contained, we ended the night with A proclaiming he wanted a divorce. There was other stuff going on around here and both of us had been drinking -- more than usual. A long night and many tears and phone convos and two baths and sleeping in the guest bed followed. In the morning, he had changed his mind and we found some more solid footing.

He still wants me to get a job. This is back burnered right now because I am readying the downstairs unit for our new tenants who will move in Nov 1. They have a dog so the first thing I've done was repairing both fences. There is stuff to do which will take me the biggest part of this month both inside the unit and outside downstairs and in the garden/ patio.

But what do I want to do for paid work?!

This feels huge. I have been so long out of 'the workplace' that I feel overwhelmed. It's not that I lack confidence or even skills. I know lots of stuff and truly believe I'm capable of holding down a job. But what field? Who'd hire me when there are so many others out looking? And can I make enough money to make it worthwhile?

Yikes!